Motel of the Mysteries Read online

  Contents

  * * *

  Title Page

  Contents

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Acknowledgments

  Prologue

  Motel of the Mysteries

  The Treasures

  Souvenirs and Quality Reproductions

  Epilogue

  About the Author

  Copyright © 1979 by David Macaulay

  All rights reserved. For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to [email protected] or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.

  hmhbooks.com

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

  Macaulay, David.

  Motel of the mysteries.

  1. Civilization, Modern—1950– —Anecdotes, facetiae, satire, etc. 2. North America—Antiquities—Anecdotes, facetiae, satire, etc. I. Title.

  PN6231.C46M3 818'.5'407 79-14860

  ISBN 978-0-395-28424-7

  ISBN 978-0-395-28425-4 pbk.

  eISBN 978-0-547-34862-9

  v4.1220

  FOR RUTH, WITH LOVE

  Special thanks to Nancy Hechinger

  and Christopher Davis

  IN 1985 A CATACLYSMIC COINCIDENCE OF PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN PROPORTION EXTINGUISHED VIRTUALLY ALL FORMS OF LIFE ON THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT.

  ON THE MORNING OF NOVEMBER 29, AN ACCIDENTAL REDUCTION IN POSTAL RATES ON A SUBSTANCE CALLED THIRD- AND FOURTH-CLASS MAIL LITERALLY BURIED THE NORTH AMERICANS UNDER TONS OF BROCHURES, FLIERS, AND SMALL CONTAINERS CALLED FREE.

  THAT AFTERNOON, IMPURITIES THAT HAD APPARENTLY HUNG UNNOTICED IN THE AIR FOR CENTURIES FINALLY SUCCUMBED TO THE FORCE OF GRAVITY AND COLLAPSED ON WHAT WAS LEFT OF AN ALREADY STUNNED POPULATION.

  IN LESS THAN A DAY, THE MOST ADVANCED CIVILIZATION OF THE ANCIENT WORLD HAD PERISHED.

  The layers of pollutantus literati and pollutantus gravitas that covered the continent hardened into rock, and knowledge of the “lost” civilization almost vanished entirely. Interest was revived briefly about six hundred years ago with the discovery of fragments from a series of writings attributed to the late-twentieth-century Franco-Italian traveler Guido Michelin (no relation to the Anglo-Italian traveler Guido Blue). The meaning of the few legible symbols, mostly stars in various groupings, could not be deciphered, and the matter was eventually dropped.

  Four hundred years later a young and ambitious archeologist named Currant Bunliffe had a revelation. “The suddenness of the catastrophe,” he wrote in one of his notebooks, “combined with the subsequent solidification of the surreptitious substance (pollutantus aliterati) has probably preserved, intact, a moment of history.” He immediately informed his colleagues at THE UNIVERSITY that he was going to search for fragments of that moment. He was never seen again.

  Since 3850 hundreds of scholars and souvenir-hunters have chipped away at the continent’s alluring crust. Although North America has not given up her secrets easily, a number of significant discoveries have been made.

  Evidence unearthed at several widely scattered sites indicates that the entire continent was covered by a complex network of gray and black stripes. Until the development of high-altitude infrared draftsmanship, the intricacy of this network was unknown. Because the various patterns can only be fully appreciated from the air, the German scholar Heinrich Von Hooligan believes the stripes were planned either as landing strips for extraterrestrial craft or as coded messages from the inhabitants of the continent to their many powerful gods.

  Since the discovery of such sites as Monument Row, the majority of scholars have agreed that the colored stripes were in fact ceremonial, or at least processional, highways. The clustering of hundreds of monumental inscriptions mounted on huge poles along both sides of a highway was quite common. Each inscription represented a different religious sect or point of view and was placed as near as possible to heaven—the traditional home of the North American gods. The level of spiritual rivalry becomes dramatically clear when we realize that shortly before the catastrophe some of the inscriptions reached heights of close to one hundred feet above the highway. Von Hooligan claims, and convincingly so, that these tremendous heights prove that the stripes were in fact designed to be used by airborne vehicles.

  While this preoccupation with religion was consuming the North Americans and particularly the Yanks, who lived in the area called Usa, a number of scientists in Europe had begun to monitor the dramatic increase in pollutantus gravitas above the troubled continent. In an attempt to keep vital trade routes open, they proposed the development of an aircraft that would be able to cut through the increasingly resistant air. The discovery of their flying machine in 3902 at a site in Usa was particularly significant because it showed for the first time just how quickly the density of the pollutantus gravitas had increased on that fateful November day almost 2000 years earlier.

  One of the most significant monuments erected by the Yanks was the great triumphal arch. Because it was located in the center of Usa, scholars have labeled it an interchangeable gateway to either the east or west. Its geographic placement would have been more accurate had a large portion of the west coast fallen off into the sea as was predicted and in some areas of the country apparently prayed for. Today, kissing the underside of the arch has become a very popular tradition and is believed to bring good luck.

  Perhaps the most impressive surviving examples of Yank architecture are the imposing Temples of Bigapple. Nestled in a virtually uninhabited jungle on the continent’s east coast, these timeless structures signify at least temporary religious stability and stand as a tribute to the awesome technical skills of the ancients.

  In spite of the number of significant clues, however, the picture of these fascinating people remained disturbingly incomplete until forty years ago, when word leaked out of Howard Carson’s startling discovery at the Motel of the Mysteries.

  Before his forty-second birthday, Howard Carson had accomplished nothing of interest. Of obscure parentage, he spent his first four decades untroubled by public attention. In fact, it was not until the autumn of his life that Carson achieved the unprecedented mediocrity that was to make him, by the time of his death, unique among amateurs.

  During his early forties, while rapidly consuming the remnants of a trust fund, Carson’s interests were divided between his collection of antique space shuttles and a number of questionable, albeit visionary, experiments relating to increased camel-hump productivity. He must also have had some interest in history, because we know that he possessed at this time a fairly up-to-date translation of the writings of the ancient scholar Hoving and a rather dog-eared facsimile of the Michelin Fragments, and that he was a subscriber to the National Geographic Magazine.

  In 4022 pressure brought on by the anticipated failure of yet another ot his experiments led the desperate Carson to seek a change. He entered the 116th Cross-Continental North American Catastrophe Memorial Marathon. Little did he know when he set sail for East Usa what lay in store. Less than a month later, and already well behind the rest of the pack, Carson found himself crossing the great rubble heaps along the perimeter of a deserted excavation site.

  The ground below his feet suddenly gave way. He was precipitated headlong downward. When the dust had settled and he had recovered his spectacles, he found himself at the bottom of an ancient shaft, facing the entrance of a long-forgotten tomb. The shaft, probably dug by tomb robbers shortly after the tomb was sealed, had been covered initially by the natural vegetation of the surface. More recently, the whole area had been buried under vast quantities of soil from the adjacent excavation.

  Unimp
ressed and rather annoyed at this inconvenience, Carson’s first thought was to call out for assistance, but, before he could utter a sound, light from the shaft caught the area around the handle on the tomb door. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that the sacred seal which was traditionally placed on the door following the burial rites was still in place. Staff artists’ reconstructions of similar, but always defiled, tombs that had appeared in his most recent National Geographic flooded his mind. Thunderstruck, he realized he was on the threshold of history. His entire body trembled as he contemplated the possible significance of his find. The mysterious burial customs of the late twentieth-century North American were finally (and as it turned out, magnificently) to be revealed.

  Less than a month later, aided by his companion, Harriet Burton, who “enjoyed sketching,” and a dedicated group of volunteers, Carson began the first of seven years’ work on the excavation of the Motel of the Mysteries complex, and most specifically on the removal and recording of the treasures from Tomb 26.

  While Carson paced back and forth in a supervisory manner, Harriet numbered each of the items surrounding the entrance as well as those on the great door. Descriptions of the most significant discoveries are to be found in her diary:

  Number 21, “the gleaming Sacred Seal, which had first caught Howard’s attention, was placed on the door by the officials after the burial to protect the tomb and its inhabitant for eternity.”

  Number 28, “the Sacred Eye, which was believed to ward off evil spirits.”

  Number 18, “the partially exposed Plant That Would Not Die. One of these exquisite plants, which had apparently been grown in separate pieces and then joined together, was placed on each side of the entrance.”

  Numbers 19 and 20, “containers in which the sacrificial meal was offered to the gods of eternal life.”

  Once the exterior of the tomb had been recorded in detail, preparations for entering it were begun. With a steady hand, Carson, who had presumably picked up a few tricks in his time, jimmied the lock. With his helpers peering nervously from a safe distance, he cautiously pried open the door. The creaking of the ancient hinges, in Miss Burton’s own words, “cut through the silence like the scream of a ghostly fleeing spirit.” Suddenly, to Carson’s astonishment, the door stopped dead. A frantic but successful search for the obstruction revealed a beautifully crafted chain about two thirds up the inside of the door, linking it with the sturdy frame. Clearly this stood as the final barrier between the present and the past. Once the workers had sawed through the chain, they withdrew, and Carson continued to open the great door.

  At first, everything was dark. Carson lit a match. Still everything was dark. Carson lit two matches. Still, everything was dark. Attempting to avoid a rather protracted delay, Harriet eased the large spotlight toward the entrance with her foot. As the blanket of darkness was stripped away from the treasures within the tomb, Carson’s mouth fell open. Everywhere was the glint of plastic. Impatiently, the others waited for a response. “Can you see anything, Howard?” they asked in unison.

  “Yes,” he replied . . .

  “WONDERFUL THINGS!”

  Everything in the Outer Chamber faced the Great Altar (No. 1), including the body of the deceased, which still lay on top of the Ceremonial Platform (No. 5). In its hand was the Sacred Communicator (No. 3) and around its wrist was a flexible golden band (No. 4) bearing an image similar to that of the upper altar. Signs of the ancient burial ritual were everywhere. A variety of garments, including the ceremonial chest plate (No. 2) and shoes designed to hold coins (No. 6), were scattered about the chamber. Various containers (No. 9) which had once held libations and offerings stood on the altar and around the platform. A statue of the deity WATT, who represented eternal companionship and enlightenment, stood faithfully next to the platform. To ensure maximum comfort during eternal life, several pieces of beautifully crafted furniture were placed in the room, along with additional garments stacked carefully in a specially designed rectangular pod. Perhaps the single most important article in the chamber was the ICE (No. 14). This container, whose function evolved from the Canopic jars of earliest times, was designed to preserve, at least symbolically, the major internal organs of the deceased for eternity. The Yanks, who revered long and complex descriptions, called the container an Internal Component Enclosure.

  Aware that the two pairs of shoes implied a double burial and having seen only one body, Carson immediately began searching for another chamber. By the time he had found the entrance to what eventually became known as the Inner Chamber, Harriet had already catalogued and numbered it. Quivering with excitement, Carson removed his shirt and began the delicate operation of dismantling the door. Even at the height of his enthusiasm, however, Carson was never too busy to entertain his helpers.

  Although it seemed hardly possible, the contents of the Inner Chamber were even more dazzling than those already discovered. Harriet immediately began tagging and identifying each item while Howard drew conclusions. As he had predicted, a second body was present, and this one appeared to have been buried with more care and ritual than the first. Wearing the Ceremonial Head Dress (No. 8), it had been placed in a highly polished white sarcophagus (No. 9), which had in turn been scaled behind an exquisite and elaborately hung translucent curtain (No. 10).

  The proportions of the sarcophagus had been precisely determined to prevent the deceased from ever sliding down into a fully reclined position. The similar postures of the two bodies led Carson to the conclusion that the proper burial position had the chin resting as much as possible on the chest. Although the outer surface of the sarcophagus was plain, there were two sets of ceremonial markings on the inside. The first consisted of ten parallel rows of slightly raised discs along the floor of the sarcophagus over which the body had been placed. The second was an almost entirely faded line that ran all the way around the walls parallel to and about ten inches above the floor. Two water trumpets, one about five feet above the other, projected from the end wall facing the deceased. Some of the music required during the final ceremony was produced by forcing water from the sacred spring through the trumpets and out through a small hole in the floor of the sarcophagus. Other music came from the music box (No. 6) situated above the Sacred Urn (No. 2). Articles No. 1 and No. 4 were used in preparing the body for its final journey and No. 5 was the Sacred Parchment, pieces of which were periodically placed in the urn during the ceremony. Carson was overjoyed to find that the Sacred Point was perfectly preserved on the sacred parchment. Very few had previously been uncovered, and none in such remarkable condition. The Headband, which bore the ceremonial chant, and the Sacred Collar (not numbered) were still in place on the Sacred Urn to which they had been secured following the ceremony.

  Gradually, the excitement of those early days gave way to the drudgery of cataloguing and drawing each item in the tomb. Every object was recorded in minute detail in the “appointments” section of Harriet’s diary. Those which could withstand movement, and weren’t too heavy, were then transported to Carson’s rather small but totally inadequate lab for further study and restoration.

  The amount of work that had to be done was phenomenal. Driven by an overwhelming sense of responsibility to the past along with a burning desire to contribute significantly to the future, Carson soon lost control of the present. His original schedule of late breakfast, early lunch and tea, and a 3 p.m. picnic at the close of work soon gave way to the frenzied and exhausting pace of an eight-hour day. The strain was to manifest itself in the following ways:

  According to Harriet, Carson would often wake up in the middle of the night screaming “Baksheesh” at the top of his lungs. In a recurring nightmare, he believed he was the only human member of a Bactrian acrobatic troupe, and he was always placed on the bottom row when they performed a pyramid. It was also said that during the day, Carson would chat quite freely with either or both of the skeletons, which, in one of his more lucid moments, he had nicknamed Dembones and Dozebones for qu
icker identification.

  In spite of the stories, however, no one had anything but praise for the man’s painstaking professionalism. One day, without missing a bite of his lunch, Carson not only brushed each of Dozebones’s teeth but also flossed them.

  Not surprisingly, Harriet, too, began to feel the strain. In her only recorded outburst, she kicked her way into the lab and insisted that she be allowed to wear some of the priceless treasures. Carson, who was recording what appeared to be impact marks on the top and sides of the altar, realized the urgency of the situation and gave in. For the remainder of the day, Harriet proudly strode around the site wearing the Sacred Collar and matching Headband. She also wore the magnificent plasticus ear ornaments and the exquisite silver chain and pendant.

  Realizing that Harriet and the volunteers were on the brink of anarchy, Carson called them together and announced he was closing the site for the season. After informing them that he would triple the number of volunteers (by force if necessary) for the next season, he encouraged them to take a long vacation. The offer was gladly accepted by all concerned, and the tomb and lab were locked and barred.

  This particular problem never recurred, because with each subsequent season, the number of volunteers increased significantly. Word of the importance of the find had spread around the globe, and eager young archeologists, scientists, and historians flocked to work with the amazing Howard Carson. By the end of the seventh season there were close to nineteen people working on the site at all times. With all the additional help, work on Tomb 26 was completed by the end of the third season and plans were made to begin excavating the surrounding area.