Motel of the Mysteries Read online

  Slowly, a vast funerary complex began to emerge from the soil. The tombs, which had all been destroyed except, quite miraculously, for Number 26, lined both sides of a long ceremonial passage. At intervals along the passage were a number of large painted metal containers inscribed with the marking BEVERAGES, in which coin hoards were discovered, and a few communal ICE’s.

  The overall structure was laid out on the familiar “U” plan, and at the base of the “U” was the communal sanctuary. By far the largest and grandest room of the complex, the sanctuary contained a magnificent altar covered entirely in sheets of plasticus petrificus or, as it was called by the ancients, “Formica.” Behind the altar and mounted on the wall stood a beautifully crafted unit that contained several rows of identical slots, each with a number apparently corresponding to a tomb. Offerings from friends and relatives of the deceased were probably placed in a particular slot once the tomb had been sealed.

  Behind the sanctuary was the room in which the sacrificial meals were prepared. Beyond this area was the great courtyard, in the center of which was the ceremonial pool. Prior to the ceremony within the tomb, each body was apparently washed in the pool, which was also fed by the sacred spring. Specially marked funerary game areas intended to occupy the spirits of the dead during eternal life were located around the sacred pool and were accessible to each of the tombs through sliding panels.

  Surrounding almost the entire complex was a vast flat area, marked with parallel white lines. In several of the spaces stood freely interpreted metal sculptures of animals. To avoid the misunderstanding that often arises with free interpretation, each sculpture was clearly labeled. They were inscribed with such names as Cougar, Skylark, and Thunderbird, to name but a few. The importance of animal worship in Yank burial customs has never been more clearly illustrated.

  Beyond the field of rusting animals, two volunteers began to excavate the Great Sign which had marked the entrance to the tomb complex. Because there were usually hundreds of similar complexes built along both sides of each ceremonial highway, careful marking was essential to avoid incorrect burial.

  The accompanying illustration clearly shows that through the years Harriet’s devotion to Howard had not waned. His wet but clean bow ties have been lovingly hung out to dry.

  Nor had Harriet lost any of her desire to be involved in every aspect of the vast project. When, after years of sensational press coverage, THE MUSEUM finally agreed to show the Treasures from the Motel of the Mysteries in a major exhibition, she worked side by side with Howard to prepare each object for the long journey.

  Both Carson and Harriet traveled with the Treasures, although in separate crates, to guard against accident and to reduce expenses. Shunning the reporters and cheering crowds awaiting their arrival, the pair went directly to THE MUSEUM to check a number of last-minute details before the Gala Opening.

  While Harriet proofread each of the labels, inserting new words or numbers where she felt them appropriate, Carson inspected all of the reproductions that had been manufactured from Harriet’s sketches for THE MUSEUM SHOP. At one point, in order to check the coloring more accurately, he took one of the handpainted plaster casts of a ceremonial highway fragment outside into the sunlight. This particular fragment had been selected by the TRUSTEES of THE MUSEUM because of its uncanny resemblance to an even more ancient treasure called the Rosetta Stone.

  By the time of the opening, there were thousands of excited people lined up under the canopied walkway that surrounded the building—each hoping for at least a glimpse of the treasures about which they had read and heard so much. Aware of the potential popularity of the exhibition and wishing to avoid the congestion that had plagued so many of THE MUSEUM’s earlier efforts, the particularly far-sighted Curator of Yankology had arranged the entire display on a specially constructed sloping floor. As the visitors entered the exhibition they were strapped into a pair of well-oiled roller skates.

  Carson was so overwhelmed by the enthusiastic response to the objects on display, that he spontaneously removed the Sacred Collar and Ceremonial Headband from their respective cases, put them on, and performed the ritual chant of the ranking celebrant into the Sacred Urn. Those rolling by at the time went wild with excitement. Swept up in the euphoria of the moment, Carson placed the collar over the delighted Harriet’s head, moved in front of the largest spotlight in the gallery, and did what is still believed to be his very best shadow rabbit ever.

  Less than a week later, however, the pair were on their way back to the peace and tranquility of the now completely excavated site where it had all begun. Side by side in the twilight, they gazed once again upon the Great Sign. Memories of their initial excitement, seven years earlier, rushed back, sending shivers up and down their spines. Then, as they strolled hand in hand through the glorious remnants of the past, they recalled Carson’s fateful fall into the shaft, the almost uncontrollable anticipation at the opening of the outer chamber, and, of course, the discovery of the Sacred Point. They decided that evening that their emotions should be shared with and preserved for as many people as possible. Rejecting the possibility of writing a book—“too static,” claimed Harriet—they finally agreed to develop a dramatic living spectacle based on a number of ancient theatrical precedents.

  Thus, every summer evening for the past 32 years, hundreds of pilgrims have reverently flocked to the Motel of the Mysteries to witness firsthand the highly inspirational Toot’n’C’mon Son et Lumière (French—Mon., Thurs.; Arabic—Tues., Fri.; Hebrew—Wed., Sat.; English matinee—Sun.). At the end of each performance, as the Great Sign fades into the black abyss of night and the orchestral transcription of the sacred chant plays out its final chord, every member of the emotionally drained audience lights the traditional match of tribute. This moving gesture has also been encouraged by practicality, since for dramatic reasons no lights are turned on following the experience.

  The Treasures

  THREE FRAGMENTS FROM THE PLANT THAT WOULD NOT DIE

  This plant, developed by the ancients specifically for eternal life, was grown in separate pieces through a now lost biological process. The proportion and size of each plant could then be perfectly matched to its ultimate location. Many such plants were found throughout the complex.

  THE SACRED SEAL

  Constructed of plasticus eternicus, this particular treasure has proportions of classic beauty. It was placed upon the handle of the great outer door by the necropolis officials following the closing of the tomb.

  THE GREAT ALTAR

  This magnificent structure, toward which everything in the outer chamber was directed, represents the essence of religious communication as practiced by the ancient North Americans. Although it was capable of communication with a large number of gods, the altar seems to have been intended primarily for communion with the gods MOVIEA and MOVIEB. Judging by impact marks on the top and sides of the upper altar, some aspect of this communication was dependent upon pounding the surface. Communication with the altar was symbolically continued into eternal life by placing the communicator box in the hand of the deceased. Below the exquisite glass face of the upper altar are a number of sealed spaces for offerings.

  FRAGMENTS OF Plasticus Petrificus

  Called simply “Formica” by the ancients (MICA being the god of craftsmanship), these three priceless fragments from the front of the Great Altar represent an unequaled degree of aesthetic sophistication and almost superhuman technical skill. The richness of the coloring and the intricacy of the linear engraving can only be approximated today by using the finest woods.

  THE BELL SYSTEM

  This highly complex percussion instrument was found near the statue of WATT. Markings similar to those on the face of the upper altar imply a symbolic connection to the gods. The Bell System was played by holding one half of the instrument in each hand and banging them together in some pre-established rhythmic pattern. The impact would cause a small bell inside the larger of the two pieces to ring. Both halve
s were connected by a beautifully crafted coil which would miraculously reform itself into the identical number of loops after each playing.

  THE INTERNAL COMPONENT ENCLOSURE

  This exquisitely fashioned container, a twentieth-century adaptation of the ancient Canopic jar, stood on a specially designed table in the outer chamber. The exterior surface of the container was fashioned out of plasticus petrificus, while the interior was lined with a priceless translucent substance. Since no trace of an internal organ was found in the ICE its function as a Canopic jar is considered to have been merely symbolic.

  SMALL RELIEF

  This extremely fine piece of workmanship served as a portable shrine which was to be carried through life and into eternal life. Its delicate inscriptions were intended to identify an individual’s religious preference along with the burial site to which the body should be delivered when necessary. Matching inscriptions were found on the main doors of the great sanctuary. Because the ancients were unable to predict the exact time of death, each of the shrines had to last for an entire year.

  A MOSAIC TILE (restored)

  Unlike their predecessors, the ancient North Americans covered the ceilings of their buildings, rather than the floors, with intricate mosaics. Each tile was decorated with a series of parallel perforations, and then color was added by applying the occasional and always subtle watermark.

  MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS

  The two trumpets on the left were found attached to the wall of the inner chamber at the end of the sarcophagus. They were both coated with a silver substance similar to that used on the ornamental pieces of the metal animals. Music was played by forcing water from the sacred spring through the trumpets under great pressure. Pitch was controlled by a large silver handle marked HC (which Carson found particularly meaningful). The instrument on the right is probably of the percussion family, but as yet the method of playing it remains a mystery. It is, however, beautifully crafted of wood and rubber.

  THE SACRED PENDANT

  This exquisite piece of jewelry was found lodged in the silver-rimmed hole in the floor of the sarcophagus, where it had apparently been dropped. The beautiful pendant was carved out of rubber (now petrified) and has been inscribed with the markings 1 1/2. It is connected most delicately by a silver ring to a beautifully formed silver chain. The symbolic derivation of the pendant’s form has yet to be determined.

  THE CEREMONIAL BURIAL CAP

  This extraordinary headdress, made especially for the deceased, stands to this day as an unparalleled example of flexible plasticus workmanship. Each colored disc was applied by hand, and together they form a pattern so complex that a full interpretation ot the arrangement continues to elude scholars.

  THE SACRED URN

  This most holy of relics was discovered in the Inner Chamber. It was carved from a single piece of porcelain and then highly polished. The Urn was the focal point of the burial ceremony. The ranking celebrant, kneeling before the Urn, would chant into it while water from the sacred spring flowed in to mix with sheets of Sacred Parchment.

  THE SACRED COLLAR

  This article was worn by the ranking celebrant at the final burial ceremony. It is made of the highest quality plasticus, and the workmanship was unequaled. Experts date this collar at A.D. 1979, making it one of the earliest collars ever found. The two hemispherical projections on the solid portion of the collar were apparently merely decorative. The two spiral connectors shown were used to secure the Collar to the Urn after the ceremony.

  THE SACRED HEADBAND

  Another priceless treasure, the Headband was worn primarily to hold the Sacred Collar in place. The inscription on the front of the band is the holy chant. The language was atonal, and the words were pronounced more or less as follows—Sān-i-ti-zëd föřyō-ŭr ṕ-rŏt-ëcti-ŏñ.

  THE MUSIC BOX

  This delicate instrument, placed immediately above the Sacred Urn, served two functions. First, by pulling on the outer handle, the flow of water from the sacred spring into the Urn was begun. Second, once the handle had been pulled, a continuous trickle of water would be maintained by the inner mechanism, creating a simple musical accompaniment which would last for at least the duration of the ceremony, if not well into eternal life.

  THE SACRED POINT

  Very little is actually known about the origin of the Sacred Points except that they were very rare and were only ever found on the ends of sacred parchment scrolls. Carson believed that they simply pointed the way to eternal life.

  THE SACRED ASPERGILLUM

  This beautifully crafted instrument was formed entirely of plasticus. Once it had been dipped into the water of the Sacred Urn it was shaken over the deceased and, in fact, over the entire chamber. This represented the symbolic cleansing of the eternal home.

  A YANK IN THE COSTUME OF THE LATE TWENTIETH CENTURY

  Souvenirs and Quality Reproductions

  Each piece accompanied by descriptive text.

  PAPERWEIGHT

  Embedded in solid crystal, this pressed reproduction of a Plant That Would Not Die fragment will serve as a conversation piece for years to come. Every mark on the surface of the leaves has been painstakingly copied by our own craftsmen. Each weight comes wrapped in a full-color plan of the Motel of the Mysteries, making it the perfect gift.

  SACRED POINT BOOKENDS

  Two skillfully reproduced Sacred Points have been mounted on a pair of hand-crafted rosewood bookends, which are then sealed in hand-blown glass sleeves. Your books will never be displayed in greater style. (A set of blank books is also available.)

  COASTERS

  Each of the seven coasters in this set is based on one of the mosaic ceiling tiles from the outer chamber. The precise markings of the originals have been faithfully reproduced in our own workshop. The coasters, all hand carved in marble, are available only as a set and come handsomely boxed in a 22-karat-gold-over-wood container.

  COFFEE SET

  Perhaps one of the proudest offerings of THE MUSEUM SHOP, this exquisite coffee set is based entirely on the proportions of the Sacred Urn from Tomb 26. The cups are made of the finest porcelain to our exact specifications by a famous English company. The coffee urn is made in our own workshops from solid silver.

  Each piece accompanied by descriptive text.

  Plasticus Petrificus FRAGMENT

  This beautiful reproduction has been crafted with great care from the finest wood. It is mounted on pure silk and comes cither framed or unframed in a crystal box.

  WALL FRAGMENT

  This unique reproduction will bring culture and character to any room in your house. Based on a fragment found in a multi-Urn enclosure near the Great Sanctuary, each of the markings, believed to be those of laborers, has been exactingly reproduced. This particular reproduction is an extraordinary technical achievement. Because the original was so fragile, it was not possible to make a direct mold. Therefore our craftsmen plotted over five points across the surface of the fragment in order to create an exact-scale model. The reproduction is molded directly from the scale model. The item is available in either alabaster or 24-karat gold.

  THE TOTE’N’C’MON BAG

  Designed expressly for the Great Exhibition, this attractive heavy-duty canvas bag is ideal for carrying books and assorted personal effects. Available in tan or gray.

  NEEDLEPOINT KIT

  Based on the stunning frescoes of the Outer Chamber, each kit contains the necessary 13-mesh interlock canvas, colored yarn, velvet, and stuffing to make more than 60 identical cushions for your home and those of your friends

  MOSAIC PUZZLE

  Combining the ceiling mosaic motif of the Outer Chamber with an ancient number game, this engaging puzzle was invented by one of our own guards and is manufactured in THE MUSEUM WORKSHOP. The object is simply to move the tiles around until each of the skillfully reproduced watermarks lines up.

  SACRED SEAL BELT

  This attractive all-leather belt is made especially for THE MUSEUM S
HOP by a famous Italian belt maker. The beautiful two-piece buckle is based on the Sacred Seal and the handle from the outer door. Great care has been taken to accurately reproduce the inscription and the proportions of the originals. Both pieces are available in either silver or 24-karat gold.

  Epilogue

  Both Howard Carson and Harriet Burton died tragically shortly after the first performance of the Toot’n’C’mon Son et Lumière. Carson was savagely attacked by a rabid dromedary lab assistant when he returned with new hope to his earliest experiments. He passed away just before the birth of the world’s first three humper. Harriet was blown from the scaffolding while rewiring part of the huge sound system she had designed for the Toot’n’C’mon Son.